"The other day my girlfriend pushed me down and looked me in the eye. 'I'm going to make you cry, ' she said. She began to hit me in earnest, and made me count the blows."
Why would we ever want someone we love to hurt us? Why would we ever want to hurt someone we love?
And why do some of us crave it?
"Later, as I sobbed and she held me, I felt the therapy of that release: the effect of dealing with PTSD and trauma with pain that I can end any time by saying my safe word. Pain that comes from someone who I know is doing it for both of our pleasure, and not out of a desire to actually hurt me."
Julie brown, a queer trans woman, shared this anecdote with me after responding to my call for personal stories about BDSM. Over the past week, I've conducted interviews with a dozen members of the BDSM and kink community, ranging across identities, age, gender, and location. By now, the general mechanics of BDSM are familiar to anyone who's had even a passing encounter with Fifty Shades of Grey-the whips, crops, and handcuffs all recognizable accoutrement of kinky sex-but I was interested in exploring the personal, psychological side.
BDSM is an acronym with several constituent parts: bondage and discipline, dominance/submission, sadism and masochism. Collectively, these behaviors might be referred to as aspects of kink, a term which covers the broad expanse of non-normative sexuality. It includes BDSM; it can also encompass things like watersports and various fetishes, like latex or balloons.
I use "we" when referring to this community because I find myself a member of it, though, like any imagined community, membership is as much self-designated as it is given. I'm interested in BDSM. In particular, I like submission. I've explored rope bondage, been to play parties, and incorporated it into many of my romantic and sexual relationships.
For julie, the appeal lies in how it allows her to access pain while being in full control of that pain-she can end it at any time with her safe word. BDSM allows her to process complex, traumatic experiences in a way that's safe and consensual. Her story resonated with my own experiences with BDSM, too: trusting a beloved partner to give me what I need, while knowing that I'm in full control of the situation, is exhilarating.
Is that feeling universal?
If you've ever fantasized about getting kinky in the bedroom, you're not alone. The runaway success of E. L. James's novel Fifty Shades of Grey - more