PLEASE READ: "Dracula: But the Count Runs Half Marathons" is an affront to classic literature and everyone who loves it. By adding a single sentence to every chapter of Bram Stoker's original novel, Dick Cody Heese fleshes out Count Dracula's backstory so that he runs moderate distances as a hobby. These changes have no effect on the plot, nor do they add any value to the reader's experience. However, they do imply that Count Dracula participates in various half marathons across Transylvania and Eastern Europe. Hard-working, talented authors everywhere are assuredly in agony over the publishing of this novel.

Dick Cody Heese has also written several other barely passable parodies, including "The Great Gatsby: But Nick has Scoliosis," "Pride and Prejudice: But Mr. Darcy is a Vape God," and "The Communist Manifesto: But Tony Hawk Can Keep His Stuff."