I'm a survivor. For sixteen long years, I didn't believe I'd ever get to call myself that. Self-doubt, low self-esteem imposed on me by my abusive, narcissistic ex-husband, and fear held me hostage. I didn't recognize myself. Hope no longer existed. The stress and strain of just trying to live to see another day took a devastating toll on me physically, emotionally, and financially.
My life was not my own, and I was tired of it. At my core, I knew I had to fight back, but after living in such a toxic environment, I wasn't sure it would make a difference.
Thankfully, I summoned the courage. Call it dumb luck, an epiphany, or a sheer desire to shield my children from any more trauma, I left. Unfortunately, the abuse didn't end when I closed that chapter of my life. The next chapter invited a different form of abuse into my life in the form of dubious legal tactics, mean-spirited counter-parenting, battling false parental alienation claims, and harassment replaced the abuse I endured when we lived under the same roof. But, I had changed. Leaving left me feeling more empowered. Slowly, I saw my worth and understood that my freedom from my ex was what I needed to not only survive but thrive.
Was It My Fault? is my story. In it, I share intimate details of my toxic marriage, but more than that, I share my journey out of the depths of despair and how I continue to fight for myself and my children post-separation. It's my hope that my story will inspire someone who may be in a toxic relationship and feeling like they have no fight left in them to not give up and find a path forward.
Love does not control. Love is not cruel or manipulative. Love does not break your spirit.
'Why didn't you leave?' is a question often posed to victims, without realizing that it's much easier said than done. For Alana, sixteen years in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship left her unrecognizable to herself. Once a strong, independent, and ambitious woman, she had become a shattered, disheveled shell of a human being. Only after enduring years of torment and raising three children in the midst of chaos could she summon the courage to reclaim her power and make the life-altering decision to leave.
This memoir is her story.
Taking readers on an emotional rollercoaster of real-life events, Alana navigates coercive control, emotional manipulation, and post-separation abuse. With unwavering honesty, she lays bare the intricacies of abuse d